What happened to me last night didn’t last days or weeks, but less than an hour. I’m writing about it so you won’t get rattled when these moments mug you, even long after you’ve escaped the POW camp of heartbreak or betrayal or tempers or whatever relationship chaos you endured. Narcissism anyone?
Just a flash and I was back, but…it left a imprint.
I decided to try a new Meetup group last night. Cocktails and snacks outside in a courtyard. WTH…Being single in a crowd where I knew a few people but didn’t belong to anyone sank in its teeth and locked its jaws, right there in the middle of a party with a decent keyboard player, great weather, and two open bars.
I wanted to text my ex and tell him I resent the hell out of him, but don’t want him to know these desolate waves wash over me. I want him to think I’m handling single like a boss. Most times I am, yet there are these times when I’m disconnected. Out of my element. I’m on the outskirts of coupledom now, but that wasn’t the problem. This was a group of singles. The problem was mingling with strangers; men who say hello then one or the other of us turn to mingle on. Have I become too quick to turn away before he can? Am I waiting for a flash of lightning before I linger?
Trouble is, that electric chemistry (and I’ve felt it inside and out) is more likely the elixir of lust, not love. All natural napalm–a rush of serotonin or oxytocin. Carnal. Not bad for sure, but not without complications either, especially since I’m ‘that kind’ of attracted to the ‘wrong kind’ of men…at least so far. While I’m working on that, am I chickening out? Are men who read Hollywood headlines afraid to flirt? Are single strangers stifled or have I just not met the right guy? Do I want only fun or forever? Can’t it be one or the other, or both? Good questions, right? Please feel free to toss out your answer that one. Seriously, this single, dating, wondering what in the hell we really want is surely confusing to more than me.
Even though from coupled to single is a transition we have to make alone, we aren’t alone having to make it. Gotta love it when my metaphoric mind conjures up conundrums like that one. But what the hell? With a divorce rate scaling 50% and the relationship rotation on a roll, singles are churned out faster than bacteria during flu season. To get where we want and need to be, eventually we have to resist the urge to use friends and family as a crutch and just ride it out–especially when our breath and heartbeat are all we hear and feel.
I feel like a hypocrite because I often write about the rush of freedom being single. Most of the time it is. The choices, my no drama life with family that visits often enough to keep me connected. Launching my new book, LEAVING YOU…for me. Discovering the world of souls on social media, some generations apart and half-a-world away, yet we share joys and dramas of life as though we lived next door to one another. I cozy up to bonfires on the beach with groups of friends. We talk, laugh, and then go home alone. Trust me, this isn’t a requirement but something we get to choose.
But then nights like last night happen. Once I got home I took three deep breaths, realigned my reality and objectives, slipped on my robe and slippers and that crummy moment and wave of woe burned out. I’m so damned grateful to be uncoupled from nearly half a century with a relationship bully not capable of loving me back—who valued me as an accessory. I am grateful that the divorce is behind me. That melancholy moment of woe was like a comet that grabbed my attention, then burned itself out revealing the stars and moon overhead…and I was warm and content again.
On the upside, my house in Arizona sold. Yeah! I celebrated. It cut my ties to a very long-past time and place. Monday when I sledged through the Department of Motor Vehicles in Clairemont to get my driver’s license, I did a happy dance in the parking lot…between cars where no one could see me..Ha! I am officially a resident of a state away from what had been my home. I love it here in San Diego. I just need to smooth the rough edges around being single and look at the moon it a new light. Even cloudy nights, I know it’s there somewhere and that’s enough for now.
I’m on it!