Tips to know when it is NOT time to declare your intentions… whether you want to be exclusive or not.

This entry is part 5 of 10 in the series My Adventures So Far

While honesty is almost always the best policy, there is a difference between honesty and what is simply too much information.  Thus, while our most natural tendency – especially when we are in that geared-up zone of first and early-on dates – might be to tell all. Let’s talk a bit about what we should not share – ever – until a relationship is on solid ground.

  • Not on the first date, for sure.

    You don’t get into the car or meet and greet for your first date and declare, “Hi, I just want you to know I’m dating other people and won’t sleep with you until we’re exclusive.” 1st Dates are Limbo Land. Lighten up. You’re on a date, not a mission. Make a friend. Be a friend. Take the time to get to know that person interested enough in you to ask or accept the date.

  •   Another Do Not Declare:

“Hey, you’re hot and I can’t wait to get you in the sack but that may take a while because I’ve had a lot of crummy relationship disasters. By the way, do you like movies, children, pets, and split pea soup?”

Of course, you wouldn’t say that all in one gulp, but Don’t even fish for the answers to these things, however covertly. And Don’t tell them you’ve been dumped or hurt or are damaged.

If I were a man I’d respond: “Yes, Yes, Yes, and No. Do you like lingerie, porn and threesomes? And by the way, did you bring any condoms?”

Too Much Information way too soon! It’s a date, and should not be an indecent proposal or a proposal of any kind. We all love mysteries. Be one.

  •     If you’re looking for a ‘hookup’, you’re NOT on a date. You want sex. No problem…glove up and go for it…but read no further. That is NOT what heading down the relationship road is about. The hookup only highway is littered with signs like: booty, call, one-night-stand, free, easy, cheap, damaged, drama, danger, rocket ships, fireworks and free-falls. These are right beside the STD warning signs in flashing neon.
  •     If you’re casting questions to qualify them for marriage, you are NOT on a date, you’re focused on YOU, not them, and too far in the future to enjoy the moment. You’ll be a dud date.

But what if you’ve been out enough times and find yourself considering second or third base? You’ll wonder whether they are or aren’t dating anyone else and before you take off, it’s time you knew.

  •      So, before you get ready to take a swing at that ball, here’s a telling way to gauge their intent, without revealing too much.
  •       Remember…You don’t want to get more ‘hooked’ on them than they are on you.
  •       Why?  Because the Principle of Least Interest is true 100% of the time.  This means that the person least interested in the relationship controls it. So, is there a way to toss a pitch and see if they take a swing?

You (either guy or gal) might simply say, “I like you.” You have to say this lightly, with a fun lilt, no sultry or sensual whisper. A sultry or sensuous voice translates to lust—as in, “I want your hands on me.”  Entirely different response paradigm with that tone. But for the light and lilted one,

  •       It is Not Time if they respond with:

“Thanks.” That response means you’re pals. Like him or her, but keep your heart on the bench.

“Thanks, I like you, too.” Still not time, but a smile is good here. Ruffle her hair, but do not pat her ass. That’s a foul.

“It’s been fun.” This requires a time out. Time for you to say “Thanks.” Nicely, with a soft smile, but no eye contact. That’s not a retraction, it simply puts you back on even footing. Again…remember the principle.

You’re on the “fun friend” playground together. Enjoy each other, but stuff the key to your heart in a deep pocket.

There’s a great place for these relationships when you’re single, but don’t think you’re more than friends at this point.

  •       If after you say, “I like you,” they don’t stop playing with their phone, or don’t look up, or keep their eyes on the ball game, or change the subject, and YOU want to be more than friends, remember the Principle of Least Interest. You’re setting yourself up to be hurt. And so, at this point it just may be time for you to say, “It’s been fun, but I have an early morning.” Get in your car, call or offer to call an Uber for them. They’re treating you like shit. Ignoring you is not okay. Ever.

Remember, it’s a game at this point. You won’t hit every pitch out of the stadium. There are no umpires on the field. You’re it. Play fair. Take care of yourself and have fun.

Look for my next post. When Is It Time To Declare That You’re Either Dating Others Or Want To Be Exclusive?

 

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