This morning a woman on Facebook stirred memories of those first months after I left my husband of 47 years. When we finally leave a narcissistic relationship, we can be pretty broken and emotionally battered. Not at the top of our game for sure. Leaving isn’t the fulfillment of our dream, it’s a last resort to salvage ourselves. This takes us back to the innocence of childhood, a time we were learning how to cope and were unafraid to cry for what we lost or longed for when we were lonely; to hug a pet, drag a security blanket, burrow our tears in the neck of a teddy bear. They kept our secrets. Muffled the sound of our sadness.
The woman on FB this morning said she slept on sheets too big for her bed because they were old and familiar. It comforted her somehow. Below is the copy/paste of my reply. So many of us need to know we’re not alone through the first phases of recovery. It’s like we’re in detox. For real…LOL So am passing a bit of her story and mine along this morning.
Touched my heart to read about you wrapped up in your old sheets like a security blanket, because I so remember that place…feeling displaced, clinging to simple things because they connected me to safety in some way. I had a teddy bear on my bed…he’d belonged to my mom (a birthday gift to her—had this great red bow.) I went to sleep many nights clutching him. One day, perhaps a year later, I gave him to my newest granddaughter for her to hold. She loved it. It takes time, but It does get better. Not just because the heart ache melts away, but once it does, we can look back and realize we’d still be mired in that no win-devaluing-l
Believe you’ll get here, imagine it when you’re down, and you’re on your way in a big way. Salvaging yourself instead of propping up a painful relationship. Snuggle up in your old sheets if they comfort you. I clutched the teddy bear to give my poor dog a break and myself an opportunity to sleep. My dog Burton was a Bullmastiff, 160 pounds of muscle and heart, but he snored so loud it rattled the rafters. Wow do I ever miss him, but will always be grateful he was with me in that first year on my own. He hated it when I cried. Would burrow his wet nose between my face and hands, nudge me. Patient, kind. Thankfully I’m washable and had already trashed my mascara. LOL Find something to hold and keep your heart open.
Best wishes ever…and I was so proud of you for looking past your anger into your own heart. Be glad it’s tender enough to hurt right now. It’s the treasure you’re uncovering and giving a chance to breathe. Alex Delon